Restaurant Etiquette: Fat Amateur Style

Well, here we are.

Apologies all around for our recent absence, work and school has taken up the better portion of my time, and for Jake, well, who knows? Don't you love a blog by two people that is only written by one and all he does is jab at the guy who doesn't contribute? ANYWAY...

Tonight's blog, as the title indicates, deals with restaurant etiquette. I am not going to go through which fork does what or what tie to wear, this deals with subjects that I have personally seen and take personal offense to when I see it either at work or when I am eating somewhere.

1.)If you can't afford to tip accordingly, don't go out to eat. This seems pretty simple, but I have seen terrific servers and service go un-thanked many times. Generally, tipping is a non-required gesture to thank a restaurant or server for a job well done. However, if you are going out to eat, budget enough to leave at least a 15% tip on what you spend.

You may say "Tim, my server was terrible!" I reply to that by saying that if it's entirely the servers fault (ie: they were not overwhelmingly busy, mistakes weren't by the cook, etc), then you should not have to tip them. I am purely a service tipper, which means if my service was not good considering any other factor, then the server will not be tipped well if at all. Servers work very hard (typically) and make close to half of minimum wage at times. You are their lively-hood, and if you are too stingy for 15% for good service, then don't go out.

2.)Don't let your kids run around if it's not Chuck E. Cheese. Take care of your children! Allowing your children to run in a restaurant is like saying you don't care if they are kidnapped! If your child is not mature enough to handle going out, then you should parent better or wait until they are. This disrupts people at other tables, it disrupts service, and it reflects poorly on you. Plus, it's a safety hazard. I cringe thinking about every child I see running in a restaurant getting a boiling dish of pasta poured on his/her head and horrendously SCARRING him/her for life! THIS IS SERIOUS!!! Be a good parent!

Now you may say "Tim, you're not a parent, blah blah blah!" WHO CARES? Is your child's safety not important to you? If no, then is your own image as a parent important? If you said no to either, you are too inbred to know what I am saying or you are terrible and should not go anywhere.

3.)If something is wrong, say something as soon as you can. 99% of restaurants will be happy to fix any mistakes they made, and will probably compensate you for the trouble in some way. However, this is not a go-ahead to screw people into giving you free meals/drinks/whatever. Don't be a dick! Like I said, most places want your repeat business. That means getting it right and wanting you to come back. Some places do not follow this philosophy, which will lead them to eventual ruin. I am not saying all restaurants do what they should, but if you are in a good, reputable place, they will assist you as much as they can. In my personal experience, I have been happy to repair any mistakes made by myself or staff. It only hurts you to be quiet and not mention if something is not done to your standards. The restaurant business is a service business. This means customer satisfaction. Plus, if you leave on a good note, you will most likely patronize again, which makes things easy for you!

4.)No matter what someone may say, or what you think, going to/ordering from/staying in a restaurant within a few minutes of them closing is rude. In the restaurant business, closing time is closing time. They should not be closed before their advertised closing time of course, but coming in five minutes before close does make you a jerk. Some places will be cool with it, but generally, you will be "that guy" or "that girl" that restaurants talk about and get to know. This is because the restaurant business is funny. Some nights are busier than others. Employees get tired, and they want to leave at closing. They don't want to sit there while you talk to your stupid friends about who got more drunk last night. This counts for bars, too. If you can't be responsible enough to patronize at a decent hour, then that place is not for you. Think of 15 minutes before closing as probably too close.

You may say "Tim, restaurants should be happy all the time to serve me at one minute till close or at opening." No, the IRS doesn't stay open for an hour later because you want to file your taxes at a different time. No other public service agency does this, and you shouldn't expect restaurants to either. Plus, food will be fresher and better prepared if you go earlier.

Well, that's all I have for now. If you have ever worked in the restaurant biz, or if you patronize as a responsible citizen, then this makes sense. If you are a self-righteous jerkface, then you are all mad at me and thinking I don't know what I am talking about. Really, this is for other patrons. I expect to not be bothered by these items when I eat out. I pay a decent price, and I expect that others respect that I patronize restaurants for the atmosphere as well as food. If you don't do the other things, and are respectful of people around you, the others will do the same and it can make for a terrific experience.

If you want to comment about how right or wrong I am, feel free. Otherwise, catch you next time.

-Tim